Look at me NOW.

“You were born a mistake”, my parents would say. “Your mom left because she could not stand you and your father”. I was reminded every single day why my life didn’t matter to anyone. I still held my head up high as I was growing up, until I actually grew up. I felt like a fuck up, a major disappointment, a huge burden. I couldn’t let my younger siblings or cousins grow up to be as torn as I was. So, I grew up throwing my childhood away to raise them. I didn’t get to really experience fun. Inside, I was screaming but outside I was smiling. I always had to convey strength and be the one my family could rely on when they needed me. As my teenage years approached, I started experimenting with new friends, a new lifestyle, new hobbies.. I felt like the only way to make myself happy was to erase the people who made me miserable my whole entire life.. My family. Yet, I felt empty. I know I have done so much in the past that I could easily say I regret. But then when I look back and reflect, I don’t. I have been taken for granted, taken advantage of by friends and family.. people I loved unconditionally.. and people I hardly knew. I experienced heartache and neglect like no other. No one should ever feel the way I did. I’m tired of feeling like that and I’m so ready to just start off fresh. I am who I am because of my past. To love me, you must accept that in its entirety - past and present. I’m tired of fucking up and losing my grip of reality - trying to see the good in every one and every thing that are not worth my tears. I must take control of my life and the people I share it with. I am so content with my life now. I finally know that I have a purpose. I have people by my side regardless the struggles or successes.. people who see beauty in me inside and out - regardless of what society thinks of as beauty. I am blessed to have made it this far. I am uplifted and blessed to know how to live, to smile, to breathe, to think, to survive, to eat, to dance, to sing, to laugh, to cry, to listen, to speak my mind, to learn, to LOVE.. Many people would pay a hefty price to be able to love.. & to think, a couple of years ago, I was willing to give this all up. What a damn fool.

It is time to make amends.. Forgive but never forget.

Fear of feeling.

I fear to lose.. So, I grasp on like it’ll be the death of me.

I fear to trust.. So, I rule out all the positives to see the negatives. Then after a while of holding on, I let go within a blink of an eye.

I fear to love.. Because I have loved..

..& no matter how hard I try, I am still here.. Drawn in by this fatal attraction that could literally be the end of me.. Why me?!

What is your motive..?! I could tell you mine in a heartbeat; but I’m afraid.

3.7.2013

Hello, hola, hi! I haven’t really updated you guys on what’s been going on with me lately. My main focus right now, as I’ve been mentioning all over the place on social networks, is to really reassess what and who are important in my life.. As you all should when you get older. Life is too short to just not have direction. How could you move forward with no direction, right?! I’ve been really trying to figure out how to balance my life and thoughts to where I could actually be happy. It’s all mindset, I know. It’s just so hard for me to let go or to forget things that just once meant so much to me. I don’t like to throw sentimental things or people away.. Now, if only they would’ve done the same for me. Well, it is what it is and I know I can’t control it. I know I shouldn’t poor out my thoughts on sites like these, but sometimes putting my words out there through text is my favorite way of expressing myself. Who knows where this post would end up and whose eyes would fall upon these words. I wish I could meet some of you who actually read these posts of mine lol. But ok, on with my blabber.. I really miss my family.. How things used to be and before life be and so corrupted and messed up. It was better not knowing everything or being a piece of the broken puzzle.. I’ve grown close to a new mentor in my life.. Well actually, two women. One whom I could literally call my mother and the other is a mother to all.. I wish I had them in my life sooner.. Maybe I wouldn’t have this huge void to fill. I’m 25 and still on a mission to find closure with everyone who walked out on me.. But why?! What is the point anymore?! Why not just move one?! Well, it’s not that simple.. & this is why I’m being extra careful with who I spend my time with.. Who I get to know. I do not want to be thrown out and forgotten again. In other news, I’m doing really well with work and my health is getting back on track! I’m gaining some weight and eating more than I used to. I have a lot of support from the women in my life, my siblings, and from Tho.. It’s giving me lots of hope and joy.. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and feel okay.. To look okay.. You know?! Well, it’s time to put this little blog to rest! Ill catch up with you guys again later!! Much love, ann0nymous