One day I looked in the mirror and didn’t even recognize myself anymore. Sober mind, broken heart.. I reached beside me.. There he was.. Perfect. His eyes resting.. I could hear him breathing.. Suddenly, everything shut off. I realized no one could measure up to him.. No one and no thing.. Just simply nothing. How do I fix this?! How do I fix myself..?! You can’t break what’s already broken.. & to fix anything that’s broken, would never be the same.. We all know that.. Stupid.
Let’s face it. Those who’ve known me for quite some time know how much I take things to heart. I’m observant and extra careful.. Maybe too careful and testy but that’s just how I’ve grown up to be.. Imagine if you lived in my shoes.. I bet you wouldn’t even know how to handle it. We all know people change; and I’ve learned about myself recently. It’s the simple fact that I let my emotions control me. Mainly my past.. Then, I realized I shouldn’t get things all twisted up like this. I am better than that. Friends come and go, the only family I have left are scattered and distant.. & the man I love has been here all along.. How could I be so blinded by my desires and not see where my happiness lies? I break down and mourn all my past losses but always forget just how amazing life could be if I just embraced everything including what I’m most insecure about.. My weight and looks. I am me.. Wasn’t asked to be born but there is a reason I was put on this earth.. I may have lost sight for a couple of years, but I am back. I vow that for the rest of my life, I will do better and love more.. I will take care of those in need.. The deserving.. & share whatever I have.. Every year, I will make some contribution to this world.. Volunteer or donate.. Give back all that I’ve ever received over the years.. All that matters to me now is happiness and everyone else’s happiness.. I will not claim or put titles to anyone’s name unless they have truly been there from the beginning.. My biggest fault of all is trusting and loving so easily.. Well, this is the end. This is a new beginning. I am an adult now.. I’m not getting any younger.. & this is my way of taking control of my life. Take it or leave it all behind.. I don’t care what you think.
"Don’t judge a book by its cover.. Read it.. Every detail, every word.. For every book, there’s a story.. Of love, pain, adventure, or whatever your heart can feel.. Put yourself in the main character’s shoes.. Then, judge all you want when the chapters are finished."
"Life is only complicated if you make it.. So only feel for what matters and do what makes you happy.. Right or wrong.. You live this life once.. & from there, you can either look back and regret you did so much stupid shit or regret not doing anything at all.."
Good evening tumblr-ers! :)
So many things have been going on lately. So, I thought I’d share where my mind has been lol! I have been dealing with some stress as usual.. What’s new? It’s not the kind of stress where you think your life is over, though. Haha. I’m just so overwhelmed that sometimes it feels like I’m dealing with it all on my own.. Which is by far, not the case. I don’t know. I feel like my mentality has shifted a lot. I always, always write about how I need and want to let things go yadda yadda.. Then realized, I have kept a lot of things around that remind of that pain. I decided to rip up pages from my sleep journal, made a new tumblr blog, deleted text messages/contacts from my phone, threw/gave away a lot of my personal belongings.. Just basically starting new. I feel liberated and unchained again.
I used to be the girl that was easy to be around then my past mistakes overshadowed every good thing about me. A lot of it had to do with the scenes and people I decided to associate myself with. It made my insecurities grow and turn me into the girl who worries what society thinks. I don’t know why or how or what was the point of letting that get to me. I became like every other girl who stood in front of a mirror hating themselves. I’ve learned so much from it, though. I want to say I regret it all; but a part of me appreciates it. How can you learn and be humbled without a bit of pain and suffering, right?
I feel like these things I do are subconscious: I take things quite heavily. I am overly sensitive, sometimes. I push away and hurt people who are closest to me. I relive my past because my mind and heart are used to the pain. It’s like I can’t accept change. Ridiculous, huh? I know, I know. It really is. Haha. That’s life. There is reason and purpose for all that happens. I believe that without a doubt.
I’m still learning and growing. My heart has grown much stronger. It’s like as many times I’ve been pushed down, I don’t want to give up. I can thank my stubbornness for that! LOL But I’m so grateful and blessed to be able to have experienced what I have and in the fashion that I did. I think I’m actually accepting the facts and living with it. Relief.. A couple of things, though! No more being too nice and no more taking everything to heart. I have learned my lesson! Alright, time for bed. The End!